If Only
by strawberry.sparkle
Summary: If only things could work the way we wanted them to. If only his heart wasn't broken. If only there was a way it could be fixed. But there wasn't a way, and that hurt the most.


**Ummmm. So yeah. This is my oneshot for the challenge/contest over at The Miscellany! But my fic sucks, so go and check out the other ones! Because they're awesome, even if I haven't gotten around to reviewing them yet.....**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors.**

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He wanted this to work out so bad, he could almost taste it. It was right there. He could smell it, hear it, but he couldn't touch it. It had slipped away from him. He had loved her with all his heart, and now it was all gone.

She stood in front of him, collecting some herb. Tansy, maybe? He thought it might be juniper, but he didn't know. He wasn't a medicine cat, that was for sure.

But it didn't matter. Half a moon ago, he would have jumped out from the bush he was hiding in and gone to talk to she-cat he was so intently and passionately in love with. But now, it was impossible. And his heart was breaking on the inside. It was torn into pieces. If only it could be fixed. But with things as they were? It couldn't.

They were perfect together, there were only two little things stopping them from being happy. But then again, the two things weren't so little to their Clans. So what if they weren't allowed to mate? If only what was stopping them didn't matter. But it did.

Sure, he had told every cat he knew he didn't love her anymore. But cats lie, and this particular cat can be a good liar when he wants to be. He was desperately in love with her. No matter what he did, he just couldn't get her off of his mind. Everything he did, saw, ate, felt, scented, heard – she was the only image that registered in his brain.

Sure, he looked fine on the outside. A little worn out maybe, but his hunting skills were still fine, and really, that was all that mattered. He could still hunt, keep watch of the Clan, and do border patrol, so who was to tell he felt anything _but_ okay? To his clanmates, he looked as normal as he usually was.

Standing on the boundary, he looked at his – no, _not_ his, _the_ she-cat. He couldn't believe his eyes. She was so close. They had been so close, but now they were not able to get any closer. He so wanted to. It was like running after a rabbit, only to have it slip away from you right as you were about to sink your claws into it. If only he had sunk his claws – figuratively speaking, of course – just a moment earlier. But now? It just wasn't possible for him.

The she-cat padded away, whatever herbs she had picked carried in her mouth. He closed his eyes, relishing her image and vowing to never forget how beautiful she looked. Her scent still filled the air, and he breathed deeply, letting it fill his senses. Opening his eyes, he turned and went to catch some prey lest his Clan think he was an insufficient hunter.

But then again, what if they did think so? They stole his love from him, so they were true-love-distractors anyhow. All of a sudden, he was filled with annoyance for the Clans, except for her, of course. How dare they not let them be together? They weren't harming anyone, even if everyone else thought so. Them being together couldn't hurt anyone. Well it could, actually. But they wouldn't let it.

At this, his annoyance turned to anger. He was enraged enough to want to personally fight all the Clan members (including StarClan and SkyClan) right now, even though he was weaker than he had been in a while. But no, he thought.

I have to defy the Clans. Live for what they don't. Violence. I can't hurt anybody. I _must _be calm. Act like I don't care about her. Be a good cat in my Clan, and find a new love. I'll never love her as much. Or at all. I can never love anyone as much as I love _her_. But that's okay. I can pretend. I can _never_ forget _her_.

A strong gust of wind suddenly blew into his face, and he came back down to Earth. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts.

They swirled around his head, and he was suddenly overcome with tiredness.

If only there weren't these differences. These different circles we live in, they ruin everything. Everything I really care about anyways. These circles, they dictate us. And for me? I'll never be able to live my life the way I want to, because of them. Because of everyone else in them.

If only we could have broken free. If only we weren't bonded to our Clans, we could have succeeded when we tried to.

If only I could love her and have everyone be happy for it. If only _she_ could love _me_, and not feel guilty doing so.

Why can't this all work out? Why can't we love each other? If only we could. If only…..

He padded back to camp, tiredness in his paws, his back, his ears, even his whiskers. He dropped a measly vole he had managed to catch into the fresh-kill pile, and went to fall asleep, replaying everything he had seen her do in his mind. As he tried to fall asleep, he knew that today – tonight, really – was the last time he could pretend he wasn't alright.

After today, he _had_ to be normal, even if he would never be inside. If only he could be. But it wasn't possible.

She would never be far off from his mind. She was just so easy to fall in love with. And they were made for each other. They wanted to, felt like they had to be together, he thought.

But it can't happen. It just can't. If only it could. If only we could just get what we wanted.

Then again, he surmised that would cause even more problems.

But when things are meant to be, why are they stopped?

He yawned, then decided to stop thinking about it. It was going to give him a headache. Once he healed a little bit on the inside, he would be appear to be back to normal. He would be fine. On the outside.

If only he could love her, and show it on the outside.

He'd never stop hoping, of course. He'd always love her. Because if you keep hoping, there's always a chance that that 'if only' can turn into 'it did.'

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**Yeah, I told you it sucks. Can you guess which two cats I was talking about? Review, please and thank you!**

**strawberry . sparkle**


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